Last week, Fred's friend from Oregon was here visiting and before he left, Fred's mom was here for 5 days and it was a great time and then 3 days after she left my mom and step-dad come for 3 days and well, my sponge was squeezed and all the sin in my heart came out! it's my heart towards my step-dad, it didn't really have much to do with him, he's not perfect or anything... it's just that God was showing me a far more clear view of my filthy sin than i'm used to seeing. Thankfully God's not allowing me to be deluded enough to continue to blame Thom for all my sin, which is what i did all my life. God's giving me the grace to see a bit more clearly that no matter what any one around me does, i can still choose to honor God or serve my flesh and the enemy. And it was very difficult. I was broken about my sin... identifying with Paul in Romans when he says:
"For i do not do what i want, but i do the very thing i hate...18For i know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. For i have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19For i do not do the good i want, but the evil i do not want is what i keep on doing... 21So i find it a law that when i want to do right, evil lies close at hand... 24Wretched man that i am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? (And then, at that time i was still blind to the verse that immediately follows, overflowing with hope: 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!")

So there i am in my bedroom crying out to God for help, acknowledging that i am in need... i was praying as the tax collector at the temple, "Jesus, have mercy on me a sinner." it's not that i viewed these sins as powerful to separate me from Christ b/c i don't doubt my salvation. I believe that i'm in His hands and he'll never cast me out! (John 6:35-48) and who can separate me from the love of Christ? Nota!!! Ain't gonna happen! i don't doubt these things! I think i was desiring to please my Jesus who loves me and desiring to be like Jesus who always does what pleases the Father! yet i know my motives and sin even entangle the purest of my desires... and was not able for a time to arise out of the muck... and did i mention i was seeing myself as the unmerciful servant whose been forgiven of 20 lifetimes of debt yet i tightly hold on to a quarter's worth of ignorant debt and strangle my stepfather!!!... Yes, i'm ridiculous! But i'm thankful to see my sin b/c i know he's changing me! I know He's not so cruel to show me my sin and take off! No! my Jesus says "Yes you've sinned, and NO! I'M NOT SURPRISED! I know your form, that you are but dust, a vapor, I know you're weak and weary... you're not supposed to be perfect! If you were perfect then MY DEATH ON THE CROSS WAS A WASTE! The sick need the Great Physician!... you're so focused on your sin, Cheryl, but look to ME! ... or have you forgotten again... I died for you! it IS finished! I chose you! I love you! You are MY beloved child! I STAND IN HEAVEN EVER INTERCEEDING FOR YOU! My blood pleads in your defense! You need not fear! For GOD THE JUST is satisfied to look on ME and pardon you! REJOICE! Think about your last visit with your parents.... Don't you see all MY grace in your life? There's much improvement!! Don't forget all the power I'VE worked in you to pray continually and hold your tongue and smile when you'd rather scream... you didn't do those things last time!! It was far worse!! You're learning and I love helping you, equipping you, leading and guiding you! And I'LL ALWAYS be changing and molding you until you're with me on the New Heavens and New Earth!

So lately my focus is on His love as i think i'm getting to be an expert at condemnation! =) A wise, beautiful, beloved friend of mine (REBEKAH GOLE) once encouraged me to see myself as God sees me in Christ! that's part of why my blog titled the way it is... i'm quick to take my "wisdom" and elevate it above the WORD OF GOD! I need to receive His Grace and love and power to walk in the good of the gospel. (and typically i tend to walk in the good of the gospel, but when trials arise, i can quickly take a 6 day 7 night stay in condemnation city!

When sharing my struggles with my mother-in-law, she used to always say "But God knows your heart," attempting to comfort me... and i'd be like "WHAT KINDA HELP IS THAT?!?!" So when she was here to visit last week i said to her "WHY do you say that to me as if i'm supposed to receive comfort?! I know God knows my heart but that's not comforting b/c he see's all my filth and the filth i can't even quite grasp yet..." She said something like this: "that's exactly why! He sees it all and has died for it all, so there's no need to fear or hide or run... He sees it all, yet sill loves you! He loves you all the same! Because of Jesus! Because you're his child! There's something so special about the way a parent loves their children... you'll see one day!" (CAN"T WAIT FRED!!!) =)

SO HERE'S THE EXCITING NEWS YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!! HOLD ON TO YOUR MUSTANGS BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE STUNNED!!!! FRED AND CHERYL RAY WILL BE APPEARING IN OHIO FOR 3-4 DAYS FOR YOUE ENTERTAINMENT AND JOY!!!!! =) PLEASE DON'T HAVE A HEART ATTACK! (never fear! i'm a nurse!) WE LOVE YOU ALL TOO MUCH!! and then we wouldn't be able to hang out! and catch up and laugh and enjoy God's good blessings and pleasure! AND I NEED YOUR PRAYERS AND HELP as more time with the fam is sure to result in my horns and fangs to resurface! and possibly require an exorcising! ha! =) so the dates are roughly W-Th sept 21-22 to SAT sept 24th. I can't wait to see you all! =)